Non-believer and the Train

I used to wonder what it was like for an organist employed at a church where they did not to believe in the church's teaching. I now find myself in a similar situation as one of the leading members of a congregation where I no longer hold to the standard orthodoxy. As documented elsewhere in this blog, Jesus did not die for my sins. I am becoming more and more entrenched in Zen Buddhist teachings and philosophy. I find less and less meaning in the basic Christian beliefs or in the need to believe certain things. Christianity talks s lot about the mystery as a way of dealing, in my opinion, with all the contradictions and hard to reconcile beliefs. I like the stripped down nature of Zen Buddhism in living in the moment and observing one's experience. 

I find the Buddhist emphasis on compassion to be more convincing and direct than the way compassion comes about in Christianity. I continue to be involved in the life of my church congregation and appreciate the compassion coming out of an examination of the life of Jesus. I don't see any value in framing the death of Jesus as forgiveness of our sins though. Either the natural world somehow needs us to be forgiven or the belief is in some strange God that demands sacrifices. I've never heard a good explanation of where that comes from except that it is "necessary". It has just seemed to me over the years that the things I like in Christianity are basic tenets in much of Buddhism. This can also be seen in some of the influential figures such as Thomas Merton or even the posts of . I feel a real evolution in my faith journey. Maybe it's my age but I feel more confidence in the path I am on. I think I've always been interested in the meaning of life and I think Zen Buddhism has helped me to understand and frame that question. Using the image of waiting for a train as wanting to be enlightened, Charlotte Joko Beck describes it this way in her last chapter of Everyday Zen:

"He realized that from the very beginning he had been on the Train. In fact he was the Train itself. There was no need to catch the Train. Nothing to realize. Nowhere to go. Just the wholeness of life itself. All the ancient questions that were no questions answered themselves."

Thomas Merton: ‘In prayer we discover what we already have. You start where you are and you deepen what you already have, and you realize that you are already there.’